How to pick up women at singles groups

Jane came to talk to Joe at the office. “I noticed we are both at the same singles’ group, and to be frank, your image there is awful!” Now sit down, and we’ll fix it.


Joe was bit confused, but since Jane had much more experience in dating, he did as Jane told him.


Jane: “first, your photos are horrible. Taken from below: everyone sees your double chin and nose hair. And in that phot, there is a woman and a FISH!”


Joe: “Well, I was on a fishing trip with my ex…”
Jane: “Now stop! You can’t say that you were on a trip with your ex. Everybody thinks you haven’t got over her.”


Joe:” But she is really nice person, and we get on really well…”

Jane: “NO! Remove those photos at once. And explain everyone that you would never spend time with your crazy narcissist ex unless you had to because of children”

Joe:” But we don’t have any children…”
Jane: “Don’t tell them that. You are almost 50, everyone thinks you’re a jaffa if you don’t have children. And remove those fish photos. And there you have put a smiley face on a sexist joke!!!”



Joe:” well he’s my friend and it made me laugh…”

Jane: “NO! Now write a comment, that it was disgusting joke, and you don’t understand sexist people, and definitely you are not sexist yourself. And here you have a full body photo, having speedos and your big belly looks like you are pregnant! Remove it. We’ll take new photos of you with my cousin. He’s really obese, so you don’t look as bad next to him. And your profile says you would want a woman age from 20 to 40. You can’t say that! You have to say you want woman of your own age plus/minus 5 years”



Joe:” But I prefer younger company…”
Jane: “Never say that! All old spinsters will lynch you. Just skip older ones with some excuse, when you start getting dating invites. And here you’ve said you like sporty women – that’s horrible expression to say you don’t want fat chicks!”


Joe:” I’ve been thinking about starting sports again, and it would be nice to do it together…”

Jane: “No, forget that. No sporty woman would want a lazy fat ass like you. You have to think about your market value – forget the petite and beautiful and focus on those you actually have at least some kind of chance. And what about this hobby list of yours: ‘reading’ – couldn’t be more boring, ‘wandering in the nature’ – they’ll think you are some kind of environmentalist hippie, ‘politics’, everyone hates politics, ‘volunteering with fatherless children support organisation’, they’ll think you’re a pedo.”



Joe: ”but that’s what kind of a person I am, and I’d like…”

Jane: “Stop thinking about what you are like and focus on what kind of a man women would like you to be, if you ever want to get laid again. Now you’ll write a profile saying you like culture, theatre for example, and that you don’t drink beer and watch football, but instead sip some fancy wine – rarely – at some culture happenings. You can borrow clothes from my hipster-cousin, so we can take new presentable photos. We’ll go to a gym, take couple photos there too, and we’ll borrow a cute puppy, so you can cuddle with him – that makes a great photo. I’ guarantee you will get date next weekend.


Joe: “what happens then, when we have a date and they’ll notice, that I’m not at all like my profile?”

Jane: “Just be quiet and let the woman talk and try to look like you’re listening. At that point, she has already decided if you have potential or not, and it really doesn’t matter what kind of person you are – she will want to change you to her ideal man anyway.”

Joe:” What about what I want?”

Jane was laughing so hard, she wet herself.


(PS. Names have been changed to protect the individuals. This is gender neutral story, and names won’t even hint about their sex or sexlessness.)


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